What occupied me - occupies me - ... is a wonderful relationship that could not go on evolving, from a certain point. Seems that it "can not" go on evolving, from where we are now? I try to be clear here. Always I have loved, looooved the form of diary to get to know my issues here. We had so much special moments and a beautiful time, even if we saw so little, and even if there was... no talk. There was no boredom with her, and no bothering. We both felt gentle, and it was... a relief... to give up many of our hesitations in a way that the other could comfort.

Now, a feeling comes up in me: it is called "but". I don't like "but"-sentences, but :) I have to speak them. I like buds more, rosebuds. But...

[ She did not answer my questions. Some I posed repeatedly. The word evasive relates to her. This hurt me, it really hurt me.

She could reply: I don't intend to hurt you. I could believe her. But ... she still did not answer my questions. I posed another question ... ]

In here, without irony, you find the vicious circle that I made myself being in. I do not want to decline responsibility. I don't want to say "but". I want to find a way.

I am finding a way. I try to understand how things happen, to decide how I can coordinate me and them, and initiate new rections, concepts, actions, to our dialogue, to my dialogue with others, and maybe, to new dialogues.

By the way, how should I be using commas in written English?

Certainly, this is just a very low level, compared to what I want to talk about. And what to do, if talking is not the medium. What to do, if not even writing may be the medium. What, if English is not even... our true language?

I am getting too philosophic. Let's get back to the two. The couple. The maybe-couple. Me. How can I help us?

If I see that she possibly cannot be the person that I do want to "get old" with, I should not feed her hopes. If she does not react to the offers I can give out, repeatedly, my repetition would become force - not the basis for a relationship.

At a certain point, my interest in her might not be (or have been) on the basis of a (possible) relationship anymore. In a (even in a healthy) withdrawing from the couple-ness of us, I must see this as a possible action, even if it is not my "wish of hope".

But is hope just the simple yearning of a baby boy for everything to be perfect? Or is hope the sincere faith, the inner knowledge, that her spirit is autonomous enough to join "our" way of communication, which could be "ours" for both sides... in a certain time, however, not "in the long term"? I have to be critical about myself. I easily paint things a way they cannot be; it is not my competency to co-illustrate the views of others more than in fair and functioning mutual conversation.

Again: If I am critical now, what kind of a chance does our relationship have?

When you made me interested in you, you suddenly withdrew. The basic unhappiness about you is that I "am not allowed by you" to communicate to you. This leads to frustration. And you never say "why", when you must feel that you act in an ununderstandable way to me. You say sorry, eventually, or attack me "back" when I just stated my view, without wanting to attack you. But there is no change in the substance.

Now: If I am critical, what chance does our relationship have? I am beating about the bush. It is not useful to say: You do this, you do that. Why did you do that? There are no answers. There - we have nothing in common. You maybe said nothing, because there is no communication between us, there (where it was important to me), And if there's no communication where it was important to me, there may have been "only" communication being important to you, or, maybe, in some phases, no communication at all.

Then, where did we have communication?
When did it feel like we're together? When you gave me books you liked. When you gave me a picture you made. When I could decipher one of your non-talking symbols (and still, more riddles where to come at this point: so, a little happiness followed by a little pain, again, already). It felt good to feel you're opening. It felt good how we both were shy togeher. It felt good to see your eyes before I looked down. It felt good when you admitted things you would do next time, to prevent a crash: to talk to me. It felt good when you said you would sing that song for me. It felt good to feel some presence in your absence.

Now... where do we go?
You?
Me?

What feels good... feels good for the moment. It feels good because it is close to coming out. If it would stay this way all the time.. I could not endure it. If it would open up ... continuously ... I'd be in the boat. So, if it would stay good. If I felt that a certain level of openness is reached continuously - and I also mean, an openness of you towards yourself (because this is what I also bear with myself, and also all my joy with you cames from here) - then, I can imagine us to be together. Then, I am ready to have not the faith of a weak boy, wanting a relationship with you, but the faith of a man, wanting to be at the side of his wonderfully creative, consistently open woman.

What must you see in me, when you do not keep stick to my inner eyes, to continuously dive into me, pervade me, enjoy me, like I want to do with you? What alternative sight do you have, where I ask this? You will never answer.. this is, what even kills my hope. A brutal way of non-reaction. It makes me helpless. Here, I have to say: I don't understand you. How can this feeling of mine be part of a relationship... yet, I feel it. Should I dissociate - or embrace what hurts me, even if it would burn my arms to the bones? You do not know me here. You have not loved me here. Otherwise, you would have been ready to give up your fear, too, as I am ready to give up my fear for my faith in you.

My tummy is warm while I talk so to you. I hope noone reads this but you, and only the eyes of love and mercy .. even if we should split, for the sake of the both of us... I want you to be happy. To carry in you, what you truly need, if it is not what I had to give.

Should you forget me? Should we evolve together, when you now know how to face my position as I helplessly tried to describe here?

I have learned much...
... je ne regrette rien.

Ça va?
Where are you today?